Tuesday, May 23, 2006

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself...

Someone posed that question to me recently: If I could change one thing about myself, I think I would like to learn to relax more and worry less (that doesn't really count as two things, does it? They DO go hand-in-hand, after all).

I tend to put way too much pressure on myself. Perhaps it's because as a stay-home mom, I have relatively little pressure. Really. Other than having the coordinate the schedule of five people, which isn't really difficult for a Type-A person like me (thank you, Palm Pilot!), I don't have any real demands on my time.

That said, I volunteer for various things and the way I get myself worked up, you'd think I was negotiating a peace treaty to end nuclear weaponry. I beat myself up over the teensiest mistakes. Hello, I'm a volunteer! Sure, I want to do a nice job, but my livelihood doesn't depend on it! Don't like the job I'm doing? Fire me! Truth is, no one seems to notice the little faux pas. Yet in my mind, they're disasters.

Which leads me to Part B: I wish I cared less about what others - particularly strangers - think. I used to not give a rat's ass what people thought. When did that change? Why couldn't I have found a 'happy medium'?

Someone (okay, a therapist) once suggested it's the classic behavior of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. We slip into people-pleaser mode to gain the approval of strangers since we were never quite able to attain it from the people we needed it the most. Uh oh! Apparently the Immodium kicked in. Is this the start of ... emotional diarrhea? Signing off now!


Anonymous said...

I posted something similar to this, but mine was about always needing to look pretty. You can read it if you want: flipflopmamma.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_flipflopmamma_archive.html

it's on this above, thursday april 20th post. it's kinda far down the page.

~d said...

( I wish I felt like I was pretty enough to feel like I always needed to look pretty )
does that make sense?
As for the caring abt what strangers think thing, I find myself in that position too. I also am very reliable. Believe it or not. I used to get taken advantage of by certain people. And its good they stopped on their own b/c I have a hard time saying NO. I just do. AND I always want to be 'one ahead' on the favor scale. So that THEY owe me...follow?
Typical ACOA symtoms, huh? well. that does explain alot.

Elle*Bee said...

Flip flop mamma, I did read your April blog post and could relate. I'm not a fashion-plate by any sense of the word, but I'm high maintenance enough that I can't go anywhere without doing my hair and makeup. I am learning to relax a bit though since I'll walk my middle son to his bus stop with only a little lip gloss on (and clothes, of course). Last year, I'd wake shower, put on my face and go to the bus stop with wet hair, but make up. Go figure.

And ~d, I do have trouble saying 'no' sometimes. I used to hate being indebted to anyone, too, but I'm learning to let that go. Sadly, even if someone 'owes' me, I've learned that it doesn't mean they're going to deliver, ykwim? (Maybe I'm just doing favors for the wrong people - ha ha)