On January 6th, Dear Hubby and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. That's 81 in dog years. The old 7 dog years = 1 human year is a myth.
Don't believe me? Here it is from a nifty little site called OnlineConversion.com
It says: "It is a common belief that 1 human year is equal to 7 dog years. That is not very accurate, since dogs reach adulthood within the first couple of years. The formula used above is from a canine expert and is a bit more accurate. (as accurate as one can judge these things)
The formula is: 10.5 dog years per human year for the first 2 years, then 4 dog years per human year for each year after."
Isn't that special?
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, January 08, 2007
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Love & Marriage
This is a continuation of last week’s post in which I discussed disposable relationships, esp. marriage.
I’ve seen the term ‘starter marriage’ used in the media to convey that first, brief, childless marriage usually occurring during or right after college. I know people who’ve had such marriages. I also know people who got married because they discovered they were expecting a baby. Too many of those “Because of Baby” marriages didn’t work.
Now, I’m not saying that it can’t work. But consider: a somewhat shaky relationship between a man and women. Neither have had time to ponder what they want out of life, what they want out of a relationship, what they hope to accomplish individually and together. Now add a complete stranger to the relationship. A totally helpless, dependent stranger who is going to count on you for the next 18 to 20 years. That’s a heavy load for even the most stable relationship.
I myself wasn’t always keen on the idea of marriage. I just didn’t understand my parents’ relationship. It seemed dysfunctional to me, yet they stayed together through thick and thin until my dad’s death in 1991.
I never really appreciated their marriage and the lesson from it until I started these last two posts. For my parents, for some reason (probably religious on her part, who-knows-what on his), marriage was forever.
Marriage = Forever
And that’s the subliminal message I grew up with. And although I’m only 16 and a half years into ‘forever,’ here are my thoughts on love and marriage.
1) Marriage = Forever*
The exceptions would be in cases of physical and/or emotional abuse, some cases of infidelity if – and only if – the trust between the husband and wife can not be rebuilt, and some cases of addiction if the addicted party is unwilling to seek help.
2) As a Catholic, I believe that Marriage is a Sacrament. I stood before God, thanked him for bringing this amazing person into my life and pledged to love him always. For better or worse (fortunately things have been pretty damn good), for richer or poorer (I think we’ve got the poorer part nailed), in sickness and in health (yeah, been there, done that).
3) True or False: Love fades. I guess it depends on what love means to you. If you mean the butterflies-in-the-stomach, can’t keep our hands off each other, just calling to hear the sound of your voice stuff – well, that’s not love. It’s a chemical reaction in the brain (and perhaps a couple of other body parts). Hormones. Lust. And it’s why I believe in long engagements.
4) Love is 10% emotion and 90% choice. Every morning you have the opportunity to choose to love the person lying next to you. No, I don’t wake Dear Hubby and say, “Today I choose to love you and reaffirm my commitment to you. Now how do you want your eggs?” It’s just a brief nanosecond mental note of why we’re together. It’s how I assume responsibility for my marriage rather than putting it on auto-pilot. When you forget to choose, or you’re too busy to choose is when complacency sets in.
5) True or False: Passion fades. Answer: Not necessarily. It’s more like the ocean tide. It ebbs and it flows. Sometimes you have to work at it. Other times, it sneaks up on you by surprise (as it did with my parents – see yesterday’s post). The trick is to have something to keep you in the game, so to speak, during the dry spells. If your significant other is fun to be with, trustworthy, respectful, has a good sense of humor – well, that can certainly carry you through any dry patches.
6) Sometimes you have to redefine “romance.” Dear Hubby still brings me flowers sometimes. We hardly ever hold hands with each other in public as we used to do – we’re usually holding our children’s hands instead. He doesn’t write the love letters that he used to occasionally write. He does, however, make sure the three boys get their baths so I can have a few minutes to myself at the end of the day. That’s pretty romantic to me.
I admit I get a little frustrated when I hear someone say that they’re divorcing because they “drifted apart” or “fell out of love.” I asked a friend who was going through this what she did to try to save her marriage. Did you try to talk it out? Did you try to get away just the two of you to reconnect? Did you try to put the spark back in the relationship? Did you try counseling? Did you try?
Now, I don’t want to offend anyone who had a marriage end. Some marriages just can’t be saved, and I’m sure you have reasons just as good – or even better – than the ones I listed in #1 above. Some marriages should’ve never had happened in the first place. If that’s your situation, then this next statement obviously doesn’t pertain to you. But in this disposable society, I think too many people enter into marriage without ever giving serious thought to what it means. And too many people give up so quickly. Someone once said that “parenthood ain’t for quitters.”
Neither is marriage.
I’ve seen the term ‘starter marriage’ used in the media to convey that first, brief, childless marriage usually occurring during or right after college. I know people who’ve had such marriages. I also know people who got married because they discovered they were expecting a baby. Too many of those “Because of Baby” marriages didn’t work.
Now, I’m not saying that it can’t work. But consider: a somewhat shaky relationship between a man and women. Neither have had time to ponder what they want out of life, what they want out of a relationship, what they hope to accomplish individually and together. Now add a complete stranger to the relationship. A totally helpless, dependent stranger who is going to count on you for the next 18 to 20 years. That’s a heavy load for even the most stable relationship.
I myself wasn’t always keen on the idea of marriage. I just didn’t understand my parents’ relationship. It seemed dysfunctional to me, yet they stayed together through thick and thin until my dad’s death in 1991.
I never really appreciated their marriage and the lesson from it until I started these last two posts. For my parents, for some reason (probably religious on her part, who-knows-what on his), marriage was forever.
Marriage = Forever
And that’s the subliminal message I grew up with. And although I’m only 16 and a half years into ‘forever,’ here are my thoughts on love and marriage.
1) Marriage = Forever*
The exceptions would be in cases of physical and/or emotional abuse, some cases of infidelity if – and only if – the trust between the husband and wife can not be rebuilt, and some cases of addiction if the addicted party is unwilling to seek help.
2) As a Catholic, I believe that Marriage is a Sacrament. I stood before God, thanked him for bringing this amazing person into my life and pledged to love him always. For better or worse (fortunately things have been pretty damn good), for richer or poorer (I think we’ve got the poorer part nailed), in sickness and in health (yeah, been there, done that).
3) True or False: Love fades. I guess it depends on what love means to you. If you mean the butterflies-in-the-stomach, can’t keep our hands off each other, just calling to hear the sound of your voice stuff – well, that’s not love. It’s a chemical reaction in the brain (and perhaps a couple of other body parts). Hormones. Lust. And it’s why I believe in long engagements.
4) Love is 10% emotion and 90% choice. Every morning you have the opportunity to choose to love the person lying next to you. No, I don’t wake Dear Hubby and say, “Today I choose to love you and reaffirm my commitment to you. Now how do you want your eggs?” It’s just a brief nanosecond mental note of why we’re together. It’s how I assume responsibility for my marriage rather than putting it on auto-pilot. When you forget to choose, or you’re too busy to choose is when complacency sets in.
5) True or False: Passion fades. Answer: Not necessarily. It’s more like the ocean tide. It ebbs and it flows. Sometimes you have to work at it. Other times, it sneaks up on you by surprise (as it did with my parents – see yesterday’s post). The trick is to have something to keep you in the game, so to speak, during the dry spells. If your significant other is fun to be with, trustworthy, respectful, has a good sense of humor – well, that can certainly carry you through any dry patches.
6) Sometimes you have to redefine “romance.” Dear Hubby still brings me flowers sometimes. We hardly ever hold hands with each other in public as we used to do – we’re usually holding our children’s hands instead. He doesn’t write the love letters that he used to occasionally write. He does, however, make sure the three boys get their baths so I can have a few minutes to myself at the end of the day. That’s pretty romantic to me.
I admit I get a little frustrated when I hear someone say that they’re divorcing because they “drifted apart” or “fell out of love.” I asked a friend who was going through this what she did to try to save her marriage. Did you try to talk it out? Did you try to get away just the two of you to reconnect? Did you try to put the spark back in the relationship? Did you try counseling? Did you try?
Now, I don’t want to offend anyone who had a marriage end. Some marriages just can’t be saved, and I’m sure you have reasons just as good – or even better – than the ones I listed in #1 above. Some marriages should’ve never had happened in the first place. If that’s your situation, then this next statement obviously doesn’t pertain to you. But in this disposable society, I think too many people enter into marriage without ever giving serious thought to what it means. And too many people give up so quickly. Someone once said that “parenthood ain’t for quitters.”
Neither is marriage.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Changing Horses Midstream...
Disposable relationships. Marital do-overs. Not sure where I'm going to go with this, but I was reading the July 6th post on ~d's blog and towards the end she asks, "Do people really change their whole lives mid-life for someone new?" Of course, she mentioned other things, but that one question struck a chord.
The answer to ~d's question, of course, is yes. People do. Brad Pitt did (although, in all fairness, I don't think the horse analogy works when you're talking about Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, but I digress...). Eddie Fisher did. Out with the old (Debbie Reynolds), in with the new (Elizabeth Taylor). Then consider Henry VIII. Not only did he have six horses, but he sent two of them to the glue factory! (I'm having way too much fun with the horse analogy.)
Dear Hubby's childhood friend (and best man at our wedding) came from a family of do-overs. He has commented to me in front of his third wife that he and Best Man's mother (Wife #1) would still be married were it not for his in-law's. Best Man's father married Wife #2 and started a relationship with a married neighbor, who eventually became Wife #3. They've been together for at least a couple of decades so it appears he finally found The One. (or wait, was "The One" wife #1?) Anyway, Wives #1, #2, and #3 all attended Best Man's own wedding approximately 18 years ago. It was all very civil.
Best Man married his boss's daughter. Not a great career considering the marriage fell apart perhaps 5 years later. No children. Best Man, now divorced and unemployed, joined the military. This was around the time of the first Gulf War. He wasn't sent overseas, but he was sent to Indiana, where he met Wife #2, who had a young son. Instant family. They had two more children together and moved to Best Man's native Louisiana, then back to her native Indiana where they bought a house. Somewhere along the line, Best Man decided to change horses. Out with the old (Wife #2, stepson, two biological kids) and in with the new (Wife #3). The trail stops there. We've been out of touch for several years. It's just as well. I have trouble keeping the names of my own children straight, much less having to keep track of his revolving wives. To this day, he is our most-married friend, a title he's held since his 3rd marriage at the age of 32 in 1999.
My own parents were married for 30+ years. Growing up, I never really understood their marriage. They'd argue (loudly) and bicker (constantly) and I'd wonder why they didn't just get a divorce already. (I was probably one of the few kids who actually wished their parents would split.) But no, they stuck it out. What's the secret? Beats the hell out of me.
Something weird happened nearly 30 years after their wedding. They rediscovered romance. With each other. I was 24 and absolutely mortified! My parents smooching in public. Not the face-digesting public displays of affection you see from adolescents these days. But if you knew my family, then any display of affection - public or private - was, well, alarming. But I didn't go blind as I initially thought I would, and eventually my appetite did return.
This is getting awfully long, so I'll take a break here and pick up the topic another day...
The answer to ~d's question, of course, is yes. People do. Brad Pitt did (although, in all fairness, I don't think the horse analogy works when you're talking about Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, but I digress...). Eddie Fisher did. Out with the old (Debbie Reynolds), in with the new (Elizabeth Taylor). Then consider Henry VIII. Not only did he have six horses, but he sent two of them to the glue factory! (I'm having way too much fun with the horse analogy.)
Dear Hubby's childhood friend (and best man at our wedding) came from a family of do-overs. He has commented to me in front of his third wife that he and Best Man's mother (Wife #1) would still be married were it not for his in-law's. Best Man's father married Wife #2 and started a relationship with a married neighbor, who eventually became Wife #3. They've been together for at least a couple of decades so it appears he finally found The One. (or wait, was "The One" wife #1?) Anyway, Wives #1, #2, and #3 all attended Best Man's own wedding approximately 18 years ago. It was all very civil.
Best Man married his boss's daughter. Not a great career considering the marriage fell apart perhaps 5 years later. No children. Best Man, now divorced and unemployed, joined the military. This was around the time of the first Gulf War. He wasn't sent overseas, but he was sent to Indiana, where he met Wife #2, who had a young son. Instant family. They had two more children together and moved to Best Man's native Louisiana, then back to her native Indiana where they bought a house. Somewhere along the line, Best Man decided to change horses. Out with the old (Wife #2, stepson, two biological kids) and in with the new (Wife #3). The trail stops there. We've been out of touch for several years. It's just as well. I have trouble keeping the names of my own children straight, much less having to keep track of his revolving wives. To this day, he is our most-married friend, a title he's held since his 3rd marriage at the age of 32 in 1999.
My own parents were married for 30+ years. Growing up, I never really understood their marriage. They'd argue (loudly) and bicker (constantly) and I'd wonder why they didn't just get a divorce already. (I was probably one of the few kids who actually wished their parents would split.) But no, they stuck it out. What's the secret? Beats the hell out of me.
Something weird happened nearly 30 years after their wedding. They rediscovered romance. With each other. I was 24 and absolutely mortified! My parents smooching in public. Not the face-digesting public displays of affection you see from adolescents these days. But if you knew my family, then any display of affection - public or private - was, well, alarming. But I didn't go blind as I initially thought I would, and eventually my appetite did return.
This is getting awfully long, so I'll take a break here and pick up the topic another day...
Sunday, January 15, 2006
16 Years and One Week
Erika and Sugar (blog-buddies) commented on my Jan. 6 post, wishing me a happy anniversary, and I was reminded again just how blessed I am to have found the ONLY man who:
1) can hold his own with me
2) deal with my 'eccentricities'
3) won't argue unless it's really worth arguing over (and it *rarely* is)
4) doesn't expect me to fill some stereotypical housewife role
5) is amazing with the kids
6) still treats me like a sex goddess (I'm blushing! Did I just type that????)
The love of my life ran a 9K race (5.6 miles) today and did great. He's feeling good. He calls it "better living through chemistry." For those of you who don't know, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) in 2002 at the age of 36. His family history is awful (fatal first heart attacks on his father's side, multiple bypasses on his mother's). We pretty much figured it would be an issue one day, but I honestly thought that we'd have another 20 years before we'd have to deal with it (he'd be in his late 50's then).
Instead he had one angioplasty and one stent in August 2002. Three more stents, including one of the new medicated ones, in August 2003. Triple bypass surgery in March 2004. His surgeon at the time, said dear hubby has 'the arteries of a 12 year old girl.' (a genetic predisposition for very narrow arteries). He was also the first to say, 'well, technically, your husband has a fatal disease." (thanks, doc!)
I guess if you have to have a 'fatal disease', CAD is the one to get. The American Heart Association lobby is apparently a powerful fundraising and lobbying entity. During the time between stents 1 and numbers 2-4, for example (a one year span), the drug coated stents were approved by the FDA. Unfortunately, they didn't work for dear hubby, but someone else with benefit, I'm sure.
Now they're working on new medications, based on a certain protein (apoA-1 Milano), that may actually clear arteries like Drano...no surgery needed! Of course these meds are a few years from being approved, but perhaps during dear hubby's lifetime...
He and I don't discuss it in depth often, but I think we've both resigned ourselves to the fact that we probably won't grow old together. He has mentioned on more than one occasion that he doesn't think he has the same life expectancy as the average 38-year old man. Perhaps medical advances - and a lotta prayer - will change that.
Here's hoping for another 16!
1) can hold his own with me
2) deal with my 'eccentricities'
3) won't argue unless it's really worth arguing over (and it *rarely* is)
4) doesn't expect me to fill some stereotypical housewife role
5) is amazing with the kids
6) still treats me like a sex goddess (I'm blushing! Did I just type that????)
The love of my life ran a 9K race (5.6 miles) today and did great. He's feeling good. He calls it "better living through chemistry." For those of you who don't know, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) in 2002 at the age of 36. His family history is awful (fatal first heart attacks on his father's side, multiple bypasses on his mother's). We pretty much figured it would be an issue one day, but I honestly thought that we'd have another 20 years before we'd have to deal with it (he'd be in his late 50's then).
Instead he had one angioplasty and one stent in August 2002. Three more stents, including one of the new medicated ones, in August 2003. Triple bypass surgery in March 2004. His surgeon at the time, said dear hubby has 'the arteries of a 12 year old girl.' (a genetic predisposition for very narrow arteries). He was also the first to say, 'well, technically, your husband has a fatal disease." (thanks, doc!)
I guess if you have to have a 'fatal disease', CAD is the one to get. The American Heart Association lobby is apparently a powerful fundraising and lobbying entity. During the time between stents 1 and numbers 2-4, for example (a one year span), the drug coated stents were approved by the FDA. Unfortunately, they didn't work for dear hubby, but someone else with benefit, I'm sure.
Now they're working on new medications, based on a certain protein (apoA-1 Milano), that may actually clear arteries like Drano...no surgery needed! Of course these meds are a few years from being approved, but perhaps during dear hubby's lifetime...
He and I don't discuss it in depth often, but I think we've both resigned ourselves to the fact that we probably won't grow old together. He has mentioned on more than one occasion that he doesn't think he has the same life expectancy as the average 38-year old man. Perhaps medical advances - and a lotta prayer - will change that.
Here's hoping for another 16!
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